Mary Sue in a Barrel
by Yemi Hikari
Summary: A Mary Sue bashing. Meant to make even a Mary Sue writer laugh.


Disclaimer - I do not own Tolkien's works.

**Mary Sue in a Barrel**

It was long, long after the ring had been destroyed. Almost everybody no longer believed in elves, dwarves, or Hobbits. That is, unless they were a Hobbit, elf or dwarf.. In fact, it was in modern day times and the world was filled with technology. Somehow, Middle Earth was apart from this, now separated by a dimensional rift. A few could travel through this rift and go and see the world of Middle Earth, unblemished by gears and cars.

One such person was a young elfling by the name of Yemi Hikari. She was not recognized as an elf because she hid it well. For starters, she took a human name, leaving her elven names to be known by a select few. Two of her elven names given to her by others she knew were Radotithen and Lalaith. She also hid her hair under her shoulder length hair. She also avoided any conversation dealing with Tolkien's work with anyone else. This became even harder with the release of the movies.

It was a beautiful day, with the sun shining bright. Yemi had just been released from school and had changed into more elven attire for traveling into Middle Earth to visit her kinsfolk. She was tom boyish, wearing a tunic and a small bow over her shoulder that was made for teaching an elfling. Her hair was pulled back. She had come to the woods near her small town so she could go across the rift. It was then that she heard footsteps. She was not close enough to the woods to hide.

"Hey, loser, what's a freak like you doing on my turf?" Yemi spun with around with the grace not of an elf, but that of an elfling. She stared at the snob of the town, Gigi Haskle.

"Your turf?"

"Yeah, my turf loser. This is where I am going to build my new clubhouse, Lothwood," Yemi rolled her eyes at the name. "Hey, I thought you weren't into Lord of the Rings?"

"What makes you think I am,"

"Your dressed like an elf, though you would have been better off dressing like a dwarf,"

"_Le glin sui nogothrim glin"_

"Sorry, but I don't understand French or Latin or whatever language you just spoke in. Any ways, how did you get invited to a Lord of the Rings costume party and I didn't?"

"Costume party. Oh, yes. It's hosted by my friends the geeks,"

"Well, they didn't invite me. They will pay when I show up at it,"

"…"

"Hey, how did you get your ears pointed like that?" Yemi frowned, not wanting the truth to come out.. "I mean, you aren't an elf, so you must be very talented at doing that."

Yemi let out a sigh of relief. "No, I can't be an elf. Elves don't exist. Bye,"

"Wait, I said those geeks would pay!" Yemi was glad sometimes that Gigi wasn't very bright, but this was not one of those times. As Yemi stepped across the rift, so was Gigi, much to Yemi's utter horror.

M

Gigi was flat on her back. At first, she didn't realize where she was. She then opened her eyes. She didn't see Yemi sitting in a tree above her, where the elfing had landed. Yemi could only shake her head. What she saw she recognized instantly.

"Mirkwood. We are in Mirkwood!" Yemi only rolled her eyes.

"Gigi,"

"I bet I've turned into an elf. Yes I've turned into an elf. I will fulfill my ultimate dream and marry Prince Legolas!" Yemi let out a gasp that was both angry and surprised at the same time.

"Gigi!"

"Oh yes, an I shall be the hero and be the one to destroy the one ring. I'll even get Borimer to still live," Yemi rolled her eyes.

"Gigi! You freak! You're not an elf! You're a crazy Mary Sue!" Gigi looked up at Yemi.

"How did you get here? This is my spotlight! And of course I am an elf. See … my ears are …"

"Still human."

"No! I am an Elf!"

"Daro," Suddenly the two found themselves surrounded by a group of elven soldiers.

"Now you've done it!"

"Take me to Prince Legolas, I command you." One of the soldiers glanced at Yemi.

"Please tell me we don't have another Mary Sue, Lalaith?" Yemi nodded at him.

"Yes, she's a Mary Sue. She's out to ruin my future! I am to be a part of the Fellowship. I am to be married to Prince Legolas tonight." With this comment from Gigi, the soldiers looked at her wide eyed. They then seized her and tied her. "Hey, I am not the Mary Sue! Get the wanna be elf over there!"

The soldiers just glared at her. The one who was in command stepped forward. " I am Trenarn, Captain of the Guard. I am placing you under arrest."

Trenarn motioned for one of the soldiers to place Gigi in front of them on horses that were brought forth from hiding. The soldier looked at the Mary Sue in disgust. Trenarn then took Yemi and placed her on the horse. They then set off to the underground palace.

M

When the gates opened and the horses went through, elves that were at work looked up. They at first smiled to see the elfing, but frowned when they realized that the soldiers had a Sue with them.

"What is this place?"

"The underground palace, _your highness,"_

"Obviously you have not read Tolkien. Trenarn, why didn't you gag her?"

"I wish I had. Come, this business requires the immediate attention of Lord Thranduil."

"Sure it does! Wait until he hears about how you are treating his future daughter-in-law!"

"You really should have gagged her Trenarn," The elfing spoke up.

"Well, it's a bit late for that,"

M

Thranduil was busy negotiating trade agreements and whatever else kings do. Yemi had never asked as she found it quite boring. When he finally looked up, he saw Trenarn, Yemi and Gigi standing in front of him. "Yet another Mary Sue?"

"My name is not Mary Sue! Stop calling me that!" Thranduil raised his eyebrow.

"Then tell me what it is,"

"Lalaith," A look of anger appeared on Thranduil's face.

"I hear by charge you with being a Mary Sue. I also charge you with stealing a name belonging to an elf. Put her in the dungeon with the other twelve Mary Sues," Trenarn took Gigi away. Yemi began to grin evilly. Thranduil smiled then with an eyebrow raised. "You've come up with some prank or another again, Lalaith?"

Yemi nodded. " Gigi would make the thirteenth Mary Sue in the dungeons, correct?"

"Yes it would. Why?" A big grin spread on Yemi's face. "Never mind. I don't want to now. Go and have your fun elfing."

Yemi hurried off to the dungeons.

M

Gigi sat in the corner of her cell, utterly miserable. She could hear other girls crying as well. She startled to hear someone speak to her from outside the cell. Someone who knew her name. "Hi Gigi."

"Yemi! When will Legolas come to rescue me. There came cries of protest from the joint cells."

"He can't come Gigi. He isn't in Mirkwood. In fact almost no one knows where he is."

"So, it is then up to you to save me," Yemi grinned and held up some keys.

"I am going to get all of you out. You have to do exactly as I say. You must be quite and sneaky." A chorus of yeses came from all. Yemi nodded her head and began to unlock the doors.

M

Yemi then led the Mary Sues through the dungeons to the wine cellars. She had convinced the Mary Sues that they were all invisible. How they believed this, she couldn't tell. Then again, they were Mary Sues. The elves noticed and stifled their laughter as they proceeded. In the cellar, she pointed to some empty barrels. "You have to get in there. That way, when the barrels leave the palace, you'll go with them"

"Will we escape?" One Sue whined.

"Yes," The Sues began to climb in. After they were in, Yemi went and made them fast. Gigi was the last one she sealed.

"Are you sure this is such a good idea?"

"Sure I do. I read about it in a book. Everyone survived,"

"Oh good," Yemi then sealed Gigi in. She then whistled a bird whistle. A few older elves came in and pushed the barrels into the water. As the last one went in, Trenarn came in.

"What is going on? The Mary Sues escaped." The elfing and the elves looked at him innocently. Trenarn looked at Yemi. " What did you do,"

"We sent the Mary Sues down the river in barrels,"

Trenarn's mouth dropped. "What will Lord Thranduil say about this."

"He said 'Never mind. I don't want to now. Go and have your fun elfing.'. I did exactly what he said to do," Trenarn could only look at her in shock.

M

Lord Thranduil looked up this time to see a grinning Yemi and a stern faced Trenarn. "My Lord, you must learn to be careful how you word things around this elfling. She took your words quite literally."

"What did she do this time?" Thranduil only shook his head. Some prank always happened when Yemi came and visited.

"She floated the Mary Sues down the river in barrels,"

"She what!" Thranduil's jaw dropped. He shook his head. "Take her and rescue them at Lake Town. Surly by now they will wish to go home."

After Trenarn left, Thranduil burst out laughing. He couldn't see how Trenarn had kept a straight face.

M

At Lake Town, the barrels were being unloaded. Some of the men were complaining that the elves had sent dwarfs down the river again by mistake. They then opened the first barrel. "Ahh! A Mary Sue!"

"I think they did this on purpose, plight on us."

"Actually, an elfing of ours schemed it all up. I've come to see them taken care of. There should be thirteen of them," Trenarn spoke up. Yemi stood next to him, glancing at the ground. The men took out the Mary Sues and lined them up until all thirteen were lined up. Gigi shivered. Water had leaked into her barrel.

"How can you have been so mean?" A Sue piped up.

"Because, we elves stick together. We hate Mary Sues."

Suddenly, one of the Mary Sues cried out she wished to go home. Poof, she was gone. The others followed suit. Finally, only one was left. Gigi had been crying to go home the whole time.

"Hey, why didn't it work,"

"Because I was your means of getting here." Yemi spoke up. "Trenarn will now take us back to the rift and we will go home."

M

Gigi wasn't glad to be home at all. She instantly turned on Yemi.

"This spells for a lawsuit, Hikari! A major lawsuit! I'll sue all you elves,"

"And who would believe you?" Gigi gave her an angry look and ran off.

M

Gigi brought a few of her friends to 'Lothwood' with the promise of getting to go to Middle Earth. They wandered around until it became dark. Two elven eyes watched them, making sure they didn't get hurt. This was punishment for the barrel fiasco. She shook her head. "You'll never learn. All of you will never learn."

_Le glin sui nogothrim glin_ - You look as a dwarf looks.


End file.
